I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
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[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.