[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
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Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Jogging has never helped my memory.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.