[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
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none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I feel this so hard
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book