Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
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Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
These 3D printers are insane!
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I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁