If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb