If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
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HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
“A little help here, Danny?”
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.