[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
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PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Money is the root of all wealth
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.