When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
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[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be