The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
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My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”