@impJOKER

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

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@dave_cactus

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

@BringDaNoyz

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

@ValeeGrrl

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

@seamussaid

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

@

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

@mxmclain

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

@Qwertyings

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.