Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
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I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
SPLOOT
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.