I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
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I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.