“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
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Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head