Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
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I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
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sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…