I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
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Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..