her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
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please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.