Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
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i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I unironically love this joke.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
honestly, i need both:
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I love it all
What’s a Messi?
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.