“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
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The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it