“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
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[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
We have a winner.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from