MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
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When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I WON A HAM TODAY
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Why is this me 😫
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
this makes me so uncomfortable
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?