yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
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I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
how high up are we talkin’?
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children