I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
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Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.