I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
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“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
🤣😈🤣
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no