My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
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A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Weirdly Wednesday.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.