My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.