Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
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actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Please do it!
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.