Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
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Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake