Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
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… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
#winning
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.