My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
You Might Also Like
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???