“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
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My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”