In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
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No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.