Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
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When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.