Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
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Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
everyone has that one prude friend
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
San Francisco has too many rules
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds