Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
You Might Also Like
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I only eat vegetarians.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.