He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
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if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.