Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
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You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
fourth time’s the charm
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit