Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
You Might Also Like
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I鈥檒l have more bread with my bread, please.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature鈥檚 rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there鈥檚 butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 馃ズ
Me two kids later: Oh.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They鈥檒l be waiting at the door when you return.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Been coming here every day for six years and I鈥檓 starting to lose hope.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.