[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
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Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.