I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
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YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
giddy up Office Depot
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.