Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
You Might Also Like
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
And then there were 4
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.