Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
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Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
💯😂
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again