him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
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In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
the rocks need my help
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.