Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
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If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”