They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
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He just like my cat fr
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise