Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
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Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
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He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
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been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”