Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

[At my funeral]

Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.

Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

Jogging

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*