Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
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Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Do you need to go peepee?
Are you sure?
How bout you try?
*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
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– immortals, probably
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.