I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
You Might Also Like
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses