Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
You Might Also Like
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour