Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
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“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
How times have changed.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Mood.. 😂
getting groceries
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that