went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
You Might Also Like
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
December birthdays be like…
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama