sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
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this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
i actually laughed 😩
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.