mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
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i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Festive toon…
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.