My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
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GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: 鈥 guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else鈥檚 yard it鈥檚 called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 馃槑馃崅
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I鈥檓 not saying I鈥檓 not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it鈥檚 time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”