“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
You Might Also Like
I wish I could veto my bills.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol